Rather i die while my love be true.

If I were a free falling boy..

2010-06-19T16:34:00.004+08:00

Resolve

2010-04-12T15:46:00.002+08:00

If only i could play it just once for you,

I would tell you that I'm sorry. Sorry that i didn't have the time for you when i was busy with my attachment. Sorry that i wasn't there when you needed me the most. Thank your mom on behalf of us. She's been a great help throughout our relationship together. Always backing us up when we're up against your dad. It was fun while it lasted. But the end is inevitable. Sheila, I'll always remember 15th December every year.

& If only i could play it just once for you,

I would tell you that i would not apologize. Not because I don't want to. It's because I know you no longer find it sincere. I apologize for the things that had happened between us. Despite the regret and remorse upon finding you moved on, It was hard for me to digest. Even though i got to know it from the papers, I was happy for you. But at the same time, sad. Sad that everything between us has to end. It's not about friendship or love. It's about you. Without me, you'll be better off not worried. I'm thankful you still think of me. Yet, I'm not ready to accept that extended hand of friendship. My emotions will just get in the way. I'm better off like this. Looking at you from far. I want you to understand that I still do love you, but i can't allow it to be your problem when the time arise. I want you to know my family and friends are always behind you. I have received enough love from you. I want you to give him the same too. Yenn Alexis, 08th August & 21st March will always be remembered.

on a brighter note, Happy Birthday Mom & Dad. I hope you enjoyed yourselves yesterday.

Making Progress

2010-04-09T12:39:00.002+08:00

Hey, I heard you broke up with your then girlfriend?

Yeah. A few months back. Why?

*smiles* Nothing really. It was kinda expected anyways.

*flabbergasted* Why do you say that?

Well, she mentioned you're her Iron man. But you're not even Tony Stark. You're more of Spidey. So cheer up. Your Mary Jane will come soon. Till then, Go get them, Tiger has to wait.

Thanks. But i'm no longer feeling down anymore. For now i wanna focus on getting the CSB. Unlike being compulsory for the 3 Rifle Coys, It doesn't come easy for Support Company and especially Signals. So far i completed the 10KM run at East Coast yesterday within the time given. I look forward for the 32KM Route March & IPPT silver. I'll prove a point that i'm NOT losing out.

Passion Play

2010-04-05T19:51:00.002+08:00

Sleeping like a pig as always. Guess what? I found your NIKE slippers in the tel riser. Your mom must have put it in there and forgotten about it, silly boy.& what's with the expression?

Am i dreaming? Are you here for real?

What are you talking about silly? Of course I'm real. Come, get back to sleep. I'll go help your mom in the kitchen. Your slippers are outside. Don't lose it again. Let's go out when you have rested enough.

Smiling. Just like usual. I don't wanna wake up from the dream. It's too good to be true. Even in my dreams, you had to lead me on. Even in my dreams, you had to lie. Even in my dreams, i see you. What has become of me?

The month's flop & not.

2010-03-28T14:02:00.002+08:00

FLOP

NOT

Separuh Jiwaku Pergi

2010-03-24T19:25:00.002+08:00

CLAPS

2010-03-21T14:43:00.004+08:00

Happy 22nd Birthday Alexis. Best wishes for your future endeavors. Chubs & Fadxis doing well?

P/S: She apparently appears on Berita Minggu 21st March 2010, in conjunction with her birthday. Details have it she's with her boyfriend. I understand your interest to know how am i feeling by looking at it, with your questions and all. But that's that.

famiglia

2010-01-31T12:47:00.000+08:00

This is ME with her.

And this is how it used to be, my family. Things have changed. Time have past. I've lost people who were dear and others lost were familiar faces. A lot. 10 years brought about a revolution of changes in my life.

I lost him to cancer in 2002.

In 2003, i lost her to the same cancer the above suffered from. Note: The person in brown.

She chose to break free from responsibilities in 2005.

A second blow was dealt when i lost her to aging in early 2009.

Ego, temper & failure to accept own feelings resort to her walking out of my life, 2009.

He chose to see the world than staying indoors. We decided to let him go early this year, 2010.

While these above mentioned are gone, 2010 offers a glimpse of hope. They have been there. Always.

A new beginning with the presence of someone new to call dad.

Mom when she's young. Pretty compared to the old and naggy self now.

& fellow COTs.

Who Knew?

2009-11-07T23:26:00.002+08:00

Guys have their ego; but i couldn't bring myself to believe yours was sky high. High & Mighty, I've set my sights on you, hopefully one day I could be better than who you are. But I guess you're just like any other. The reason you know him, the reason you became friends with him made sense. In the end, it's all about a girl. A girl who was with someone else. And you were trying if you could win her heart by impressing her by learning the ethics of the sport. I didn't know you stoop that low. After learning from their explanations from them, I have no reason to hate you for you're not even in the leagues of someone i can look up too. You're just another Ismael. I won't say anything, for someday this will reach them. I'll just enjoy the side show.

Wake Up!

2009-10-24T19:30:00.003+08:00

I didn't ask for these scars. Neither did I do it on purpose. I wouldn't blame them to poke fun on these scars. These scars remained; no matter how much i hate it. But these wounds were tend by her. Day by day, knowing i wouldn't even be bothered to even try to heal. For i see no sense in trying since I became disfigured.

I began to severe ties with my friends; even those who are close to me. I came to realize, how small the world can be. 2nd & 3rd degree friends making their move. Maybe it's just my unjustified jealousy, but I began to understand, someday they will be more important than my status now.

I won't name anybody. It's funny to know someone who used to cherish you became close to your 2nd & 3rd degree friends. Exchanging random friendly comments, with lots of hugs and kisses, and chatting through phone and MSN. While I am staring blankly at those comments, trying hard not to speculate and think about what I'm seeing.

Not only I've severed ties with them, I've even thrown away my life. Eating the devil fruit. Just so I won't lose out. From the people whom i can trust most, they became the last ever person I prefer to forgive and see in this world. Slowly, i began hating their existence in my life. I even lost faith in family.

Slowly, I'm losing grasp of humanity. Giving up to anger and hatred. I can't afford to give up yet. Pride pushes me forward. I never want to lose anymore. Not till i drop. 'Cos I know that nobody ever ask about me. Nobody will know I'm at the brim of limits. At least when the day comes for me to drop, I know i gave my all.

I've got a long way more to go. Till i suffer worst enough, and being acknowledged i went through the pain she suffers, i refuse to drop. Till then, this disfigured face boy wishes to depart for now.

There You'll Be

2009-10-09T17:30:00.002+08:00

Pardon the following post. It's been weeks since. 3 weeks has since past, and I'm done with PTP. BMT commences as early as next week and I'm eagerly looking forward to it. If I were to be asked, what have you learn so far, I wouldn't be able to explain.

Ever since the 1st bookout on the eve of Hari Raya, i came to a conclusion National Service could change your life, for the better or worst, depending on each individual point of view. For me, National Service isn't an excuse nor a bane. I began to appreciate what's always been there for me; and pity others who have yet to see it.

I began to see eye to eye with others; respecting their point of view despite disagreeing with their stand. I began to set achievements and dared myself to push myself beyond limits. They say the sky's our limit. But we're dared to dream. To be somebody even if the chances are minimal.

I'm thankful to god. My comrades are nothing close to what I'd imagine. Backed by proper family upbringing, we spur each other to surpass opening the path of new skills and talents. The love and concern you received is definitely different. It is only now most of us realized we've been taking our so called life for granted. Army isn't as bad as before.

Welfare has been their main concern in this modern era, specializing more on urban warfare and caring for soldiers. They say I'd be a man, but what i became was more human. I realized I'm tolerant of everything being thrown at me. Respecting their orders from higher above. Regimental life has taught me to appreciate everything i have.

I know it's late, but Selamat Hari Raya to my friends out there. Thanks Tigress for spending time with me on Hari Raya. Say hello to BMT. I, REC MUHAMMAD FADLI BIN NORDIN, S88*****D, from SUPPORT COY, PLATOON 11, SECTION 1, BED 5, signing off. For now, PTP loh!

Vindicated

2009-09-09T00:21:00.001+08:00

As expected. It's better than it stays on the walls of my room. It looks better too. If i have brought it to camp, i wouldn't know what would happen to these unanimated objects. (:

I'm sorry that i lost the slippers you bought for me. It was missing after the loanshark attacks. Crap. I hate living in this shithole, especially living next to someone who's involves with syndicates. Screw it.

Goodbye My Lover

2009-09-08T00:21:00.004+08:00

Your fingertips across my skin.
The palm trees swaying in the wind.
In my chest.
You sang me Spanish lullabies.
The sweetest sadness in your eyes.
Clever trick.

I never want to see you unhappy.
I thought you want the same for me.
Goodbye my long lost lover,
Goodbye my hopeless dream,
I'm trying not to think about you.
Can't you just let me be.
So long my luckless romance,
My back is turned on you.
Should i known you'd bring me heartache.
Almost lovers always do.

We walked along a crowded street.
You took my hand and dazzled me,
In a dream.
And when you left,
You kissed my lips.
You told me you would never ever forget these memories.

I never want to see you unhappy.
I thought you want the same for me.
Goodbye my long lost lover,
Goodbye my hopeless dream,
I'm trying not to think about you.
Can't you just let me be.
So long my luckless romance,
My back is turned on you.
Should i known you'd bring me heartache.
Almost lovers always so.

I cannot go to the ocean,
I cannot drive the streets at night.
I cannot wake-up in the mornings,
Without you on my mind.
So your gone and I'm haunted,
And I'll bet you would just like.
Do I make it that easy?
For you to walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye my almost lover.
Goodbye my hopeless dream.
I'm trying not to think about you.
Can't you just let me be.
So long my luckless romance,
My back is turned on you.
Should I've known you'd bring me heartache.
Almost lovers always do.

It's been a year and a month if we're still strong.

IPREPNS

2009-09-07T00:21:00.000+08:00

So says the list. Yet, i was told to bring handphone charger, extra pegs and hangers, & even 2 sets of army tee or singlet for night usage. Oh yeah! and lots of undergarments too. Not to forget snacks though foodstuffs fall under the category of what not to bring. I've yet to receive the what-to-bring list from CMPB itself. 4 days left, and I'm still thinking of her. Till then.

Sepasang Kurung Biru

2009-09-06T00:21:00.000+08:00

Gluttons Bay @ Makansutra, Esplanade boast a wide range of delicacies. Seafood, Western & traditional. They have it all. For the 2nd consecutive year running, Kak Suraya organized a mini gathering there. She being there was the icing i wouldn't missed not having. Food was considered extravagant since we spent more than 100SGD on food itself. She was looking rather stunning though simple outfit. She even wore the shoe i bought her.

After a round of sinful dining, Geylang Serai was the next stop we had in mind. As usual, crowds are expected be it weekends or weekdays seemingly we're into the 2nd half of the fasting month and marks a step closer to Hari Raya. I wasn't much please with guys ogling at her chest. Sheesh. I've also manage to get my 1st pair of aqua blue Baju Kurung. I dropped a size now after losing 9kg. I'm making a big fuss about that much weight loss. Fuck.

It sure brings back memories. Yet, i didn't wanna talk about it as i prefer to see her in her purest form. Any stupid comments i make might change the mood. Shared cab with her. Still trying hard to give her a peck, but i guess she was expecting that i would do such and therefore left in a hurry. Or so it seemed. Better luck next time, Fadd.

I was also happy to hear that she snubbed going clubbing. Yes, though it was just entirely based on pure luck, It still serves as a blessing for me. I believe for someone fasting, be it a muslim or non-muslim, we should at least abstain from alcohol for the month itself as respect. Then again, even if she did go, it is not within my jurisdiction to stop her as she no longer has to heed to the tyrant.

Like this song, Sepasang Kurung Biru, and ironically, like the color code we're suppose to wear this year, it reflects alot on how i feel. I don't know when else I'll manage to see her again. She seemed busy with the calls and text messages she got and I know some day, she will no longer have the time to spend with someone from her past. Time and time again, i reminded myself the time will come where she will love someone else. It's been a blast. Thank you for your time, Tigress. The photo frame was what we got last year. Yet, it wasn't even completed 'cos it was forgotten. I've manage to complete it and i want you to keep it. Forgive me for the drawing.

You can download the song playing in the background here. It's not uploaded by me, but it's tested and proven. Pictures will be uploaded on shutterfly once i manage to rendezvous my collection with Kak Suraya's. Till then.

Sparkling Korea

2009-09-05T00:21:00.001+08:00

It's a done deal. It's a promise. 2 years from now, let's go to South Korea. I've got a accomplice. Maya intend to join me in my escapade. Hopefully we will be able to make it happen. I would have ORD-ed by then. Till then, we will keep our promises. I'm meeting my cousins, uncles & aunties later in the evening. Hopefully she will be there, on time and proper. It might be my last, so i intend to make the memories last. I have lots to accomplish if the Korea trip happens! For now, let's save!

Numb

2009-09-04T00:21:00.001+08:00

Seriously. How the fuck can i gain 9KG ASAP. Be it any means or ways, i would rather gamble on anything than lost it all away. I'm not longer compatible because I'm fucking thin. I'm not anorexic nor bulimic. Wait. If i really did start to put on weight, what if i can't stop the weight gain? Ass. I need an extreme regimental food diet to gain back the weight i lost over 2 1/2 months back. And while I'm at it, i should save most of the money & have my tooth fixed. Maybe that will heighten the chance from 0% to 0.01%. It's better than nothing. So what else do i need to do? Help?

To write love on her arms

2009-09-03T12:21:00.002+08:00

Damn. My lappy was fucking darn laggy that I went on to do a full reformat. It took me a few hours to settle the window updates and tweaks. It features Jessica from SNSD as wallpaper with Windows 7 theme. NEAT. Yesterday, She came over to break fast together with the family. She had steamboat in mind, and we did the grocery shopping and preparations with the help of Mom & Dad.

Gotta admit. She's gotten rounder. What have her friends fed her?! I swore i could have seen her from the other end of 888 Plaza. Then again, i could have noticed her anywhere with the way she walks. & She's still as clumsy yet adorable as always. In any case, food was excellent. Especially the Chilli Crabs. It's a biased verdict; i know. Chilli Crabs has been my favourite dish and it's quite easy to prepare. The only pain in the ass part is to finish off the live crabs in 1 hit.

It's been some time, yet yesterday was a night that we didn't fight. Come to think of it, it felt serene and calm. I believe she can handle friendship problems well. Yanting might have went beyond her boundaries to help, but I don't think she did all those. Even if it's the group dates episode, she even assures me nothing happened after. There's no reason to be hard on her.

On the other hand, she's so close, yet so far. I even missed every chance to give her a peck that I've planned since NOON after sending her off to the bus stop. Damn, i'm dumb. I just wish things will be like before though it's close to impossible. I'm sorry, i couldn't take your cellphone's number, knowing that you don't intend to give it to me. Besides, it will be hard for me knowing that you will love somebody else in the near or distant future. Knowing that you won't return won't me feel any better even as friends. I'm sure she tends to blog about yesterday. So if you intend to read more in details about yesterday, do hop down to her blog via the link I've registered under AMI•CO. I presume you know her name.

Sorry that i have to resort to guessing. I couldn't bring myself to view her blog myself. I'm just afraid of what's written. I had fun and love the food. Hope you did too.

GPR 125

DRD 125

Now, I'm seriously spoilt for choice. Help?

Flame of Will

2009-09-01T12:21:00.001+08:00

Damn. It was supposedly just another typical smoke break with Maya & guess where it ends me at. I didn't want to believe it at 1st, but yes, the next thing i know, i was at Singapore Polytechnic. Fucking Singapore Polytechnic accompanying those idiots studying. Not that they were doing much of studying anyways. Eye candy wasn't there. So their threat wasn't much of a threat in the end.

Moving on, it has since been 8 coming to 9 years of friendships with the COTs. COTs, abbreviated from Circle Of Trusts was came about by Hashim. We have also come to understanding that the COTs doesn't only limit to us, but to our extended friends of whom we believe there is more than just trust or for my reference external advisers. Disagreements are never a hindrance for us. I've known them for years and yet I'm still being amused by their antics and their growth.. well maybe a little of growth. But they've been around. Though it won't be for long. Being an avid Otaku, you wouldn't expect less if i never ever come across cross referencing the COTs with an adaptation from Manga/Anime.

Hashim
Sky - the one that colors and engulfs everything.

Danial / Farhan / Tarmizi
Rain - the one that washes everything away.
Storm - the one that fiercely blows everything away.
Lightning - the one that harshly strikes everything.

Shan / Fadli / Hidzir
Mist - the one that cannot be captured.
Cloud - the one that cannot be caught and goes its own way.
Sun - the one that illuminates the sky.

Meanwhile, while you're at it, I'm off to catch some sleep. Screw the Psychos. Period.

Smile

2009-08-31T00:21:00.001+08:00

To whom it may concern, if you're the one in the near or distant future who will be filling up the void left by her, who is not her, and is reading this, i would like to apologize for not being able to love you as much. I would like to apologize that you will never be the World's Best Girlfriend for me because I've given it to the one and only. I would like to apologize for not being able to give my all to you. Yet, i will try to fulfill my position as your significant other.

I would also like to apologize if i refuse to go to places as i refuse have reminisces of her and have flashbacks. I would also like to apologize if i rule out the idea of letting you visit my family or mingle with my friends. I'm sorry to say i no longer want to go through this beautiful letdown anymore. I seek your understanding. It doesn't mean i won't love you. I just can't afford to break down over matters that doesn't even matter anymore. Only time will heal and mend the wounds.

Yes, i do wish for her return at times though it seemed futile. If being with me hurts you so much and you see yourself not being able to just be a shadow of her, I won't stop you from leaving. It's better to come clean of matters of heart for i no longer wish to hurt or be hurt by words which can be a double edge sword at any point of time.

I took my time off today to visit the resting places of both my late dad and grandmother. It's been a while since i visited them and i would like to see them before i go for my enlistment. Both has always been by my side since young and left me to continue what they left behind. I have no regrets and am proud to know they were once by my side to aid me with my upbringing and for that i couldn't thank them enough. It's been an honor to be under their guidance. And to you readers, please do not take your family for granted. You will realize how important they are once they are no longer around to dictate your life.

I would also like to thank Naser for allowing me to follow him and giving me a ride. After which i had a mini catch up with him by breaking fast at Bukit Batok Interchange and catching Final Destination at West Mall. I believe this is the 1st time i manage to catch his soft and mature side of his. He sent me to Ang Mo Kio to meet up with Psycho Wan, Psycho Gideon, Psycho Maya & friends who were studying. Overall, i believe today's a fruitful day. In any case, i find one of their friend adorable. Till then.

the arithmetic of love

2009-08-30T00:21:00.002+08:00

They say that if you love someone you should let them go, but they never say what to do when they don’t come back. It's a pain realizing that you've not even took a single step forward. It goes to show you're still stuck in the past no matter what you do. You realized that all this while you're just being a hypocrite by still doing the things that you've been doing together with your former significant other even though they are not around; be it subconsciously or not.

Her features, character and personality are something so distinctive that you couldn't even overlook. I've taken advices from my own cousin and friends to try and socialize. Making new friends in the only way to start anew. I'm no avid fan of rebound relationship, but in order to honor my words to make life easier for her, i made a few.

Maybe i did expect too much from them that i even compared them with her. I know everyone has different traits and that makes them, them. But as it is, i got easily offended and disgusted. For some reason, unless they are better than the former, i totally refuse to acknowledge them, keeping the conversation short.

Seriously. I wasn't in the best of mood knowing she was fasting yet blatantly being told, oh! I just woke up. I slept through the whole evening after clubbing yesterday. I'm beat. I'm still having hangover. I understand she's in no obligation to fast since she's neither a Malay nor a Muslim like her, yet it find it a mockery to my own religion after she retorted, It's after breaking fast. So there's nothing wrong. Well fuck you. I just said i need to catch some sleep and remove any forms of contacts with her.

Things wouldn't get easier when I'm stuck with a psychopath who wants me to be hers and for nuts i don't even fucking know her full name. I guess women nowadays are rather daring in their stunts. Sadly, after being put through the lies and deceptions a year before with stories to test my unrequited love, i believe they should do better with the sob stories. Every time they started their little misleading confessions, the only thing that comes to my mind was, humor me.

I grew skeptical of approaches. To me, it's just a fake facade to see if we could accept them as who they are. I don't believe in such since they will be the 1st to initiate leaving. Do not get me wrong. This is nothing close to hatred or angst. For the jeez of it, what i'm trying to say is It's either her, her equivalent or better. Those who can't even come close to what she has done for me and my family or have the same values and principles should just fuck off and don't waste my time.

I have no interest in others who can't even give me a challenge or show me the warmness that she has shown. Then again, i know i'll be repelling more than attracting. It doesn't matter anyway, said the chipped tooth Fadd. I'm even called the stupiddumb. I prefer CHUBs or Dale. Its better in a sense. Sheesh. I can't even have something complementing to go about with my name. They've lost all sense of imagination. The dog. Cunning Fox. Cheeky Bastard. Useless Thrash. Stupid Dumb. Oh please, spare me the immaturity. If I'm 14, i would have treated that as a joke. And acting cute with your twittering like wat ar euu doin ? pisses me off.

I never enjoyed reading such anyways. Even with friends, i would just refuse to read it's content and would reply nonchalantly without efforts. Hidzir told me to get a malay girl. No offense, but i do not want to repeat the same mistake. They are either of the extreme ends. And they are hardly a challenge. We're born to be receptive to our own limits and boundaries and not asking for more. I'm tired of such generalization within the Malay community. It's widespread and epidemic. So what's next? I guess I'll just settle for Psycho Fadd for now. I'd be lying if i say i don't miss her. Till then.

Ease up on the past, let go of the anger.

2009-08-29T00:21:00.001+08:00

The greatest irony of love is letting go when you need to hold on and holding on when you need to let go. We lose someone we love only when we are destined to find someone else who can love us even more than we can love ourselves.

How to define love: fall but do not stumble, be constant but not too persistent, share and never be unfair, understand and try not to demand, hurt but never keep the pain. Love is like a knife. It can stab the heart or it can carve wonderful images into the soul that always last for a lifetime.

Only love can hurt your heart, fill you with desire and tear you apart. Only love can make you cry and only love knows why. If you're not ready to cry, if you're not ready to take the risk, if you're not ready to feel the pain, then you're not ready to fall in love.

All these seemed surreal. It seems as if it was just yesterday we had fun together, walking hand in hand, catching a movie. Reality bites. Knowing it's hard for her, she put it in a way it will be easy for me to move on. It couldn't get any better. At every corner of this plot of space, her soul lingers. her soul brightens up my day. Everyday, without fail.

Loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right, and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life and sometimes, you think you're already over a person, but when you see them smile at you, you'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again.

For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much you love the person. In my opinion, some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else. Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love. Love is always present. It's just that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little.

As we all know that the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left. Maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always right. Most often, we fall in love with the person we think we love but to only discover that for them, we are just for past times, while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger.

Life's a bitch. That i gotta admit. Yet, i give credits to my friends, be it the COTs or the Psychos. Wan's very much matured for his age. He is very optimistic with his values and will go all out to see it through, despite being an ass-wipe. Period. Thanks for putting up with me. Time is surely not of an essence. 13 more days and I've yet to get myself back up on my feet. Give me time. I'll make it easier for her.

On a side note, i would like to thank you for your time. I appreciate your sentiments that you've waited for me for all this while. Yet, to be honest, i don't even know you in person, or even how you look like and we've never met. All i know, you were a friend of my ex during my secondary school years and hope you will be able to come clean in the near future over the rumors which dogged you for years. Though for now, I'll play this game you've set up. At least it will be entertaining to see as time will tell who's telling the truth and who's speculating. Till then, I believe it's better if you channel your feelings to someone who wants to be with you than being in an unrequited love story. Fadd, signing off.

When darkness turns to light

2009-08-27T00:21:00.000+08:00

I tried not to. Yet, i couldn't hold back. To say it was easy, when it's fucking hard. Let's be friends, she said. Deep down i know even as friends, it's a lost cause. With the way things went before, i couldn't see her as a friend. I will feel awkward if such situations did occur. And with the messy aftermath, we didn't meet and see each other eye to eye anymore nor even have conversations like we used to.

And even as friends, i don't want to be a friend just by name. I'll still be no different from an acquaintance where contacted and asked for a meet up only when remembered and it won't be any different as even as it is now, we're doing just that. And finally, i wanted to make it easier for her to move on for a simple reason. I know that by agreeing to be friends and gotten her new number, i wouldn't be able to make things easier. For a simple reason being i might not be able to hold back the urge to text her.

It's better this way. It's hard for her, yet i believe it's harder for me to grasp the whole situation. Almost everyday, i'm living in a state of denial. She has shunned me out of her heart, ruling out a return with me. It pains to hear that, yet on the other hand at least she's being truthful. There's no longer any means to try, since it's already too late.

I've also come to realize that it will be hard to find a replacement for the void she left. She left a great impact on my family that they still sought her for assistance. I've always wondered if there's even anybody else who can achieve the feat she did with my family. Even when we're not together, her opinions and say are easily received by my family members.

I realize that she's different. Her way of thinking and speaking reflects her maturity. In comparison with the other girls, who prefers to either put up a cute front, she portrays herself very professionally without being bound to emotions and feelings getting the best of her. She's just simply one of a kind.

Even when i was accompanying Wan, Maya & Gideon whom were studying for their Friday paper, that place brings back memories. The New York New York fucking huge burger i couldn't finish on one of our dates. Even playing L4D at the LAN shop near Kovan brings back memories. She's so close, yet so far. But it was a blast playing with them. As i expected, i don't think even if i'm forced to move on, i know i still won't be able to do it. Till then.

Best Daddy in the world

2009-08-26T00:21:00.001+08:00

Dad, it's been 7 years hasn't it? You left us back then on this day after losing your battle with cancer. You're greatly missed. I wished you we're still here and see us grow old. But i'm sure the place you're at now, will be more peaceful and serene. So keep on looking after us. I guess i'm your carbon copy. I ended up in Infantry just like you. Sorry i couldn't bring her to visit you at your resting place. So for now, rest well. We'll follow you soon. Who knows, maybe sooner than expected.

Bombs

2009-08-25T00:21:00.001+08:00

A bomber Parka & Nokia E51 have been officially ranked number 1 & 2 respectively in my most wanted list. Anyone?

Creep

2009-08-24T00:21:00.000+08:00

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here.

Bittersweet Symphony

2009-08-23T00:21:00.004+08:00

Friends can be defined as, 1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts. 2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance. 3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade. 4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement. Being the introvert of the group who hates weaklings, groupings & minglings, my circle of friends is no larger than life itself. I do not believe making a sum of friends will be of any benefits. For their existence are questioned. They can never be there for us forever.

While some doesn't have the depth to think far in life, they claimed that friends outweigh our significant other at any point of given time. I won't even bother to compare it with family. Who knows what simpletons will derive at. Hypocrisy's never dead though. When things go wrong with the significant other, They claimed they have friends to help them pull through. That i have to agree. But they failed to realize, the empty void left by the significant other can't be replaced by mere friends.

I'll also repeat that Hypocrisy has no end. They contradict themselves by making fun of those friends that they say are important to them. They can be replaced and discard at any point of time, whenever they feel like it, and even curse them openly. I presume that mentality comes from the basic principality that friends will always forgive each other no matter what. And to think that you're the one lecturing me about friends? and you're the one who said friends are important when you use them as tools which you can choose to be friends and when not to? Expressing how much you dislike him/her behind them before yet the way i see it you're close enough to even go out together?

Spare me the lectures. I'm happy with my circle of friends. Be it there's a Judas amongst them, they are still friends. Each of us has a weakness or something that others wouldn't like. Yet we make it known so that we'll try to avoid complications. You're a hypocrite to no end. You claimed they are always there for you, but when you needed help, you came running to us. Or are they just gimmicks? While we went far to even go out of our leagues to help, i guess those friends you looked up to doesn't even bother do they?

So what we're no fun? I hope you'll realize that in the midst of that very enjoyment, once your friends is matured enough to think of settling down, it is then you'll feel the empty void left by your other significant. So spare me the lectures. Apply what you've said on yourself before you start to advice others.

On another note, i decided to take up the COTs & HuiHui's proposition. I've re-add her and i'll leave it to her to accept. It's a big hoo haa that i removed her from Facebook. Can't blame me. I had close to enough hearing that i'm using it to spy on her. Like the COTs and HuiHui said, it's up to her. She can't blame you anymore if she doesn't accept. It is by her own stubbornness that she refuse to be moved then, leave it at that and don't pursue the matter.

It is also brought up to my interest to explain to her why i couldn't see her as a family friend like i'm seeing V****t as. Pardon me of the censorship. As it was stated on the previous entry, I have no freedom of speech. I found this interesting and will be enough to answer her angst. Credits to Eletheowl. Cheers. :3

want to know what the truth is? I still love you and I probably will love you for a very long time. But I can’t just be your buddy, cause as much as I enjoy the concept of being “just friends” in reality it’s a bizarre form of torture and I’m just not willing to participate in it. So right now what I want to do is just move on and get over you and the only way for me to do that is to not be around you anymore.

I'm a weirdo

2009-08-22T00:21:00.002+08:00

There are many different types of blogs, differing not only in the type of content, but also in the way that content is delivered or written. And it is obviously that this blog is categorized under Personal blog. a personal blog, an ongoing diary or commentary by an individual, is the traditional, most common blog. Personal bloggers usually take pride in their blog posts, even if their blog is never read by anyone but them. Blogs often become more than a way to just communicate; they become a way to reflect on life or works of art. Blogging can have a sentimental quality. Few personal blogs rise to fame and the mainstream, but some personal blogs quickly garner an extensive following.

Yet, i can never write what i seek or wishes to express. No matter what i write, there's bound to be someone who wishes to express their unhappiness. With the new censorship billed in, i will avoid writing anything with regards to her. It's hopeless. When i'm reminiscing of the past, I'm a selfish bastard who thinks only for himself and not caring about others; asking for sympathy. When i'm ranting out of anger, I'm just a dog who knows how to bark because i couldn't get what i want.

I understand you've helped me and my family. Yet, your revoked status doesn't make you stand above me with your pointless lectures about her. With the past still lingers in my head, you're not a source of maturity i will seek advices from. As much as you're a family friend, your wisdom is never needed. Maybe just a listening ear, but never your words. We've made mistakes, and you've made yours too. Yet, you berate my posts as if you never did it all those. It was me who repetitively told you that you will be thanking me, so don't credit yourself for being strong.

Did you remember what you said back then? If you do, before you open your mouth that you're not part of this problem, reflect that once upon a time you're. Yes, you may seemed not be part of it, yet you're always eager to know and pester. So what's the story, morning glory? :3

رمضان

2009-08-21T00:21:00.002+08:00

رمضان or Ramadan is a significant month for the general Muslim community. It is the ninth month of the Islamic calendar. It is the Islamic month of fasting, in which participating Muslims refrain from eating, drinking, smoking, and indulging in anything that is in excess or ill-natured; from dawn until dusk. Fasting is meant to teach the Muslim patience, modesty and spirituality. Ramadan is a time to fast for the sake of Allah, and to offer more prayer than usual. During Ramadan, Muslims ask forgiveness for past sins, pray for guidance and help in refraining from everyday evils, and try to purify themselves through self-restraint and good deeds. As compared to solar calendar, the dates of Ramadan vary, moving forward about ten days each year.

With that brief introduction in view, I wish the general Muslim community Salam Ramadan for the next month or so ahead. :3

Dale X Chubs

2009-08-15T00:21:00.000+08:00

What makes one unique is most probably their very own character. Be it bad or good, it's the main entity of who you are. As you grow up, we get lots of nicknames. Some which offends you, and some which makes you happy to hear. But the most distinctive to me would be Chubs.

She gave me that nickname. She said it sounds cute and cuddly. Even till now, though we're no longer together, at times, my friends would poke fun at me with Chubs. It sure brings back memories. Though, I've retired myself from Chubs. Chubs belonged to her special someone.

Till then, Chubs is just a White Tiger plushie. Please do not follow my footsteps. I've realized that all this while i still didn't learn anything from my previous relationships. She gave in everything she had, and now when she's gone, this empty void is irreplaceable. No matter how much i regret, she's gone.

She doesn't acknowledge me anymore like she used to. Day in Nights out, She's always been appearing in my dreams. Ever smiling while running towards the horizon. She must indeed found her happiness. No matter if i beg nor cry her a river, she won't be coming back to me. All what's left are memories.

This is definitely my 1st. My 1st to feel such emptiness. Such loneliness. Fear of being trapped. Fear of losing anyone. This void. Why am i such an idiot? How did this happened? It will be revealed soon. Sooner than you expected. I'll tell everything i know. Till Then.

Broken

2009-08-14T00:21:00.001+08:00

The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can start tomorrow
From stealing all my time

And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating

In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning

So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead

And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating

In the pain
(In the pain)
Is there healing?
In your name
(In your name)
I find meaning

So I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be okay

Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating

In the pain
(In the pain)
There is healing
In your name
(In your name)
I find meaning

So I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you